Years ago, I was in a relatively senior leadership position at work. It was considered a “superstar” team within the industry. We recruited top talent and retained top talent. Once you arrived in this place, you rarely left. You were given the top resources, and you were surrounded by go-getters who were super focused on goal completion. The work ethic of the individuals that contributed to a team outcome were off the chart. Integrity was intact and a non-negotiable. It had over a 95% year-over-year retention rate. 

There’s a lot of good that can be discussed further, but the high-level I just mentioned gives you a good enough picture of what was really cool about working in this organization.

Hindsight being 20/20, there were some junky behaviors too. We had an elitist attitude – that if you weren’t part of this particular team, you were either lacking in drive or competency. And if you were so lucky to apply, interview and make it on the team (after some seriously intense vetting), you were expected to act “beyond grateful” for being on the team. In other words, there wasn’t a whole lot of appreciation for what you, as the new teammate, were going to bring to the table; rather, it was “you should feel lucky and blessed that you are now part of this organization.” 

Now that you understand the landscape a bit, this next part won’t be that surprising. Disappointing, yes, but not surprising. 

There was a new guy who had joined the team. He had a ton of experience – both in years and subject-matter expertise – that he brought to the table. He actually had more experience than the majority of his co-workers. That should be a really good thing, but tension surfaced quickly. Instead of feeling valued for what he could contribute, he was sidelined for being “new” and not having had proven his mettle. He was treated like he was on the freshman team – and sitting on the bench during game time – while the varsity starting line-up was approaching the state finals with an undefeated season. In short, he was thinking, and feeling, “why did I come here? I feel totally undervalued and unappreciated?”

Things blew up one day in the hallway as I was walking out of my office. I said something rather benign and task-related to him, and he blew up at me. I was blown away by his response. I was not emotionally charged when I first approached him in the hallway – it was just a simple chat about work; but he turned it into something emotional and personal. He got loud and angry. 

Here’s how I responded: “I’m not sure why you are mad, but let me say this – you are going to do this task that I said, I’m in charge, you are not, so what are your questions?” And my tone of that last piece, the question that I asked? It was rhetorical. And he knew it. And so he didn’t answer me. Instead, he stormed off and left the building. 

Three months later, he had left the team. He was disgruntled. He was regretful that he ever came to our team. We never saw him again.

Here’s how I wish I had responded: “Whoa, I can see you are mad. Let’s talk. And I’m sensing you are feeling unappreciated here. But I have got to tell you; this is a great place to be. It just takes some serious on ramping before you are going to jump into increased levels of leadership and responsibility and be on big projects – even though you have a wealth of experience. But you will get there, and you will be an integral part of what we do.”

I’m convinced that he would have stayed if I had said that. Of course, it would have taken more than those words. But if I had understood the value and truth in those words, genuine empathy would have leaked out of me more than just in that verbal exchange. He would have understood that I understood what it feels like to be him: To be the new person on a seasoned team, to feel like you have to prove yourself, to feel like you have a lot to contribute, but it’s not being utilized yet. He would have seen, and heard – from my words – that he is valued, that this organization is a great place to be, and those things will merge together soon enough (that is, his value and the good things about being part of this team). 

There’s a lot of unhealthy stuff we could mention about me, and the culture of that place: That we didn’t develop people well, that we didn’t value new talent as much as the seasoned folks, that we condoned – even nurtured – an environment of disrespect towards the rookies. Honestly, we could take a lot of time to dissect all of that, and more.

Instead, I want to land and unpack just one takeaway. Words matter, a lot. The words we use have the power to give life, or take away life. The old adage “sticks and stones will break my bones, but words will never hurt me” is rubbish. It’s not true. The power and influence we wield with our words can make or break business; they can make or break a relationship, they can create safety or instill fear. 

And it’s not just words that are verbalized or written, but it’s non-verbal communication as well. Yes, non-verbal communication matters...a lot. So what you say, how you say it, your tone, your inflection, your facial expression, your body language, ALL OF IT, matters. It matters a lot. In all actuality, people remember 7% of what you say, 38% how you say it, and 55% of your non-verbal communication. 

I’ll take it one step further; it’s also what we don’t say. It’s when we withhold words that could be life-giving or encouraging. Yes, we make a point by withholding encouraging words, and we lose some quality in the relationship. 

All this to say, communication matters a lot. In fact, this could be the most important leadership tenet that a leader can possess; because if you are not effectively communicating, your folks will not have a clear definition of what their lane entails, they will not see that you have a servant attitude, they will not know they are valued, and they will not know your (or the organization’s) vision. If you don’t hit a home run with this as a leader, your work and your team will suffer. 

Does this sound like a lot of tiring work? If you think of what I’m teeing up for leaders to do with their words and their communication, I think it does. I think it sounds exhausting. Think about it? It is self-regulating your communication when you want to lose your temper, understanding email etiquette, monitoring your body language, and even understanding what someone is telling you when they have contradictory verbal and non-verbal communication. You have to be honest, yet sensitive in your speech. You have to be transparent, but realize that time and approach can make the difference in how that communication is received. You have to confidently communicate the fundamental truths about what drives you, but never in a self-righteous manner—or with an arrogant aura that is out to prove someone else wrong for believing what they believe, or for having personal drivers that are different. You will have to communicate your own brokenness because that kind of authenticity is what you expect from others, and you know that it will help the team more openly communicate truths with each other. Yes, it’s exhausting, truly; BUT it is so needed in leadership, and in work. Why, if I had to give a bottom line? The vehicle that humans have to connect with each other relationally is through communication. Because of this, we have to be over-the-top in our intentionality in what we say, and how we say it; so that what we communicate in our work-world is edifying and encouraging, and brings life to our work and the work relationships. Without question, communication tops the list of priorities in being an effective leader.  

Let’s go back to my abysmal work example. The one where I pretty much told the new employee, “chill out and do what I say.” Let’s unpack, again, what I wish I had said – and I am throwing in a bit of commentary in parentheses: “Whoa, I can see you are mad (show’s understanding). Let’s talk (shows I’m curious about him). And I’m sensing you are feeling unappreciated here (shows empathy). But I have got to tell you, this is a great place to be (casting positive vision). It just takes some serious on ramping before you are going to jump into increased levels of leadership and responsibility and be on big projects – even though you have a wealth of experience (managing expectations AND acknowledging that he has great value). But you will get there, and you will be an integral part of what we do (shows confidence in him, and that he will be a key contributor).”

Yes, words matter a lot.