How To Avoid Biting Off Heads

I was recruited by a large church to lead a revolutionary and pioneering team. It was an adventure, it was exciting, it was new. The church’s mission, vision, and values completely aligned with my personal beliefs. The executive member that was bringing me on was somebody I could really click with. I respected him deeply and knew that it would be a great arrangement.

I was on fire as I had ever been about starting a new job.

Nine months in, I was as cranky as I had ever been. I was walking around feeling like there was this low to medium grade crankiness going on. I was so on edge, I felt like I wanted to bite off the heads of my kids, my wife, and a lot of other people that I was coming into contact with. I didn’t follow through on it and start lopping off heads. But I felt I wanted to, deeply.

But if you asked me back then, “how are you, Doug?”, I would haven’t said any of that. Instead, I would have simply said, “I’m fine”.

I wouldn’t really dig-in and understand what I was feeling.

I wouldn’t really try to understand why I was thinking what I was thinking.

Instead, I just buckled up for the life that I was facing and living day-to-day and drove forward. Just plowing ahead. Never looking in the rearview mirror. Never looking in the side mirrors. Just driving. Forward. With blinders on. Very robotic in nature. Very automated in my behaviors.

But, if I’m being honest, it wasn’t healthy. I was still walking around feeling like I wanted to bite everyone’s heads off, but I didn’t even know why.

According to a five-year research project by organizational psychologist Tasha Eurich, 90% of people think they are very self-aware, but only 10% to 15% actually are.

So let me ask you the question, how are you?

Before you respond, take a moment, and give it some thought. You probably respond the same way I did, with the typical generic “okay”, or “doing good,” or “I’m fine.” My guess is that you usually don’t pause to think about how you are really doing. Taking this question a step further, many times when you know something is off, you probably aren’t even sure to the full extent as to why you are off.

I would like to introduce you to The Peace Index, a tool that has helped me get at the heart of how I am truly doing and where I might need to be intentional about making changes. The Peace Index is a tool we use in our leadership coaching, and as simple as it looks, it has proven to be very helpful for clarifying how to view one’s current reality and the level at which there is peace with it.

Here is how the Peace Index works:
The Peace Index helps clarify how key factors and specific stressors affect one’s peace and, consequently, one’s leadership behavior. Give yourself a ranking of 1-100 (with 100 being the highest level) on each of these five areas: purpose, place, provision, personal health, and people. Don’t overthink it. Once you score each area, add them all together, divide by five, and you will get your Peace Index score.

Here are some questions to help you process each factor:

Purpose: How clear is your sense of meaning, direction, and fulfillment in life? How fulfilled are you with the work you are doing?

Place: How do you feel collectively about your home, neighborhood, office, or city? How life-giving is it to you?

Provision: Are you satisfied with your current income level and the state of your finances? Are your needs being met? Is our financial position empowering or a cause of fear or conflict?

Physical Health: How is your mental/emotional, physical, and spiritual health right now?

People: How is your peace level related to the top 10 people in your life (family/friends/co-workers)? Are your relationships uplifting, or do they undermine you? Consider quantity, quality, proximity, and whatever else is important to you in your relationships.

Going back years ago when I took the job at the church, if I had known about and deployed the Peace Index in my life, I would have been able to pinpoint a lot (if not all) of the things that were causing me to be Mr. Grumpy Pants. If I had the Peace Index back then, this is how what I would have uncovered:

My “purpose” – working for the church – was on fire and probably would have rated around 95%. But everything else was suffering.  

Even though I was excited about the new job, I wasn’t overly jazzed about the town we were living in. We were missing family and friends from our previous home, which was now six hours away by car. This would have put my “place” around 70%.

I had taken a significant pay cut to leave the marketplace and work in vocational ministry. Even though we knew this was going to happen when I accepted the job, doing daily life under a radically different budget was all new to us. My “provision” would have been pretty low, around 65%.

My “physical health” was suffering. We had a newborn in the house and we didn’t have any local family support to provide some relief, so my sleep was suffering. And with the stress of a new job (and wanting to meet and exceed everyone’s expectations), my sleep issue was exacerbated. This caused me to not work out on a regular basis because I never felt like I had enough energy, which was a slippery slope into eating poorly. This would have been my second to lowest score at 60%. 

My relationships were strained with family and friends that we had moved six hours away from. I was working with a new team in a new organization that I was trying to assimilate into. I no longer had a band of brothers that were within a few minutes of where I lived, so I probably put extra pressure on my wife and kids to help me bear the burden of change – all the while they were going through the same changes, for themselves, as well. This was my lowest score, at 55%.

You add those numbers up and divide by five, and I had a 69% Peace Index.

Reading this might make you feel sorry for me, that I had a low number. But for me, it makes me feel better. Or said with more relevance to this conversation, it would have made me feel better back years ago if I had taken the time to do this quick exercise when I had taken the new job. Why? Because I would have gone from having no rhyme or reason for why I’m gripping the steering wheel as I’m driving through life TO an AWARENESS of why I’m anxious and stressed. And once you know why you are anxious and stressed, you can do something to resolve it.

Now, today, I go through the Peace Index once a week. In fact, I do it together with my entire team for better awareness and better accountability.

I would strongly encourage you to take a minute, go through the Peace Index, and consider your results. When you look at the factors you have assessed, what numbers did you come up with? What scored the highest; what scored the lowest? What stands out to you? Where do you need to make intentional changes? The power of this tool is when we use it to reassess our score at regular intervals. Doing so will allow you to fine-tune and address the lower areas.

Let me ask you again, how are you doing? How are you really doing? This is an important question, and your answer matters. We would love to hear from you.