We excel at deceiving ourselves. What does this mean? We tend to create a story about ourselves that is often inaccurate. Our story typically portrays us in the best possible light. It usually casts us as the hero and the person we clashed with in a conflict/argument/debate as the villain. Alternatively, it may depict us as the most intelligent individual, having successfully persuaded our teammates or boss that our approach was superior to theirs. This skill comes naturally to us.

We’re really good at this. 

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Recently, two important people in my network faced a similar question about their career paths. Both have unexpectedly left their previous roles and organizations, now standing at a crucial crossroads, contemplating their next steps.

These individuals are exceptional performers, showcasing high levels of self-awareness and confidence in various aspects of their lives. They possess the ability to enhance any team they join, and due to their sharp skills, they have already received attractive job offers.

Yet, despite the array of offers, they face the dilemma of choosing the best option. Selecting the right path can be challenging, even with multiple good opportunities on the table. 

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Recently, I led a Leadership Retreat for 2 ½ days with over 70 participants. Supported by an exceptional leadership team, we successfully managed the event. As the retreat concluded, a team member was tasked with outlining the next steps for the participants after an intense exploration of leadership and self-awareness. After an exhaustive and profound experience, everyone was understandably fatigued as we closed the event.

Before I proceed, I want to make it clear that the person I selected to present the "next steps" to the audience is an exceptional leader.

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I wake up each morning filled with excitement and ready to seize the day, whether it's a weekday or the weekend.

And for clarity, I am not a rainbow-puking unicorn. A former colleague, Clay Scroggins, coined this phrase in his book, "How To Lead When You Are Not In Charge." In the book, Clay discusses how there are people who are overly positive, too cheery, and not grounded in reality. They are, simply said, rainbow-puking unicorns. 

That's not me. I'm not beaming with a huge smile, saying everything is awesome. Yet, I truly believe the best is yet to come—and I am purposed and geared up to attack life with full fervor. In short, I want to make the best of it—whatever "it" is. 

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Quite possibly, the best gift you can give to your team, your people, and your clients is being present. I know there can be an argument made for other things that would be at the top of the list… Integrity, predictability, empathy, a feeling that you're easy to do business with, congeniality – the list goes on. These are all super important. And I'm not arguing to exclude any of them; I'm just arguing for "presence" topping the list. It's astonishing to see that even in the post-Covid world, where digital platforms like Zoom play a significant role in conducting business, people attend meetings without being fully engaged or present. They are multitasking and easily distracted. And it's telepathic. It's quite evident when someone is not fully present.

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Over the past three decades since completing college and entering the workforce full-time, I have mainly occupied leadership positions, with a short period as an "individual contributor" in an organization. Looking back on my leadership path, I have faced more challenges than accomplishments. Reflecting on my leadership journey, I've encountered more mistakes than I have hit home runs. 

One significant error was my belief that I had to constantly exude enthusiasm and be hands-on in supporting my team members in their roles.

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We hold hard to our opinions, but the team with the most ideas is usually the team with the best ideas. The best teams are continually looking for diversity and to respect different opinions. Perspective and preferences are not hard-core truths.

 

There could be truth interspersed through our preferences. But when we get so enamored in our preferences and take them as gospel truth, we are missing an opportunity to bring different voices and opinions – and perspectives – into a conversation that could be a buoy that raises the tide.

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I am months into a Leadership Cohort with nine other guys. We meet every few weeks for a few hours. There’s a lot of work. There’s a lot of inertia and output from each individual, not just with homework but emotionally, mentally, and relationally. It’s pretty intense.

The first few months were getting some basic blocking and tackling under our belts. Then we jumped into our current phase, where each person tells their individual “Personal Story.”

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 I've written several articles about the extreme need and value in apologizing to people; so, I don't want to rehash that altogether. But I want to use a recent experience with an "apology" at the center of the event since there is something within it that I want to draw out.

Let me tell you about a recent event (meaning, this happened minutes ago) and the back story (over the past several years):

I just hung up on a phone call with a friend from the past. We hadn't really been friends for years. We had a "falling out" a while ago. Since the falling out, and gradually, as the years rolled on, I realized a lot of the hard feelings were mainly due to my strong personality.

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When to let somebody from your team go is always going to be a key issue for any leader. It's always going to be a sensitive issue for any manager. There will always be the two questions that every boss has regarding this dicey issue: "Do I give them some more rope and latitude to see if they can improve? Or am I at the point where I realize that their performance is not going to be able to get up to an acceptable measure, and I need to let them go?"

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I was working in a senior leadership position at a thriving business. We were doing well. We were exceeding sales. Because of this, there is probably a bit more latitude for innovation and creativity than there normally would be – where top and second-level leaders, and even the next level below, were given more liberating space to run free and try new things.

As this was going on, I had planned a meeting with a few high-level strategic partners. This was me running out front with some innovative ideas and trying to close some really big business.

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I remember the first time I did a 360° Leadership review years ago. I had heard a lot of information about the process – that I would be evaluated by my boss, peers, and direct reports on five areas: Results, Relationships, Emotional Intelligence, Trust, and Developing Others. 

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Whenever I went into some professional development, advanced degree, or leadership conference, I came back feeling inspired and eager to implement what we've learned to transform my team.

But if I'm being honest, when I tried to convey these valuable strategic insights to others, I often encountered a lack of interest. The truth is, this builds resentment instead of understanding. 

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I was asked to do a really big presentation to hundreds of people; the topic was right in my wheelhouse. Sometimes we will get asked to speak on something that we haven't done a bunch of keynote talks on, and it would take several planning meetings. But this one was right down my lane. I was excited to give it and knew it would be easy to prepare for it.

I already knew where the talk would go, so I thought I'd help out my go-to person on the marketing side of the team. Instead of giving her an outline, I started putting together a PowerPoint just to save her time. In my mind, I was being thoughtful; I would avoid an extra meeting for us both.

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 What would you think if your boss recommended that you start a leadership coaching program? Do you feel concerned that you might be having performance issues? Do you immediately worry that your job might be in danger? Do you feel skeptical? If you think anything other than "yes, this is great news," you are not alone.

Most people think about leadership coaching as something reserved for "leaders in trouble," those employees who are seriously underperforming.

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How “okay” is it to rip somebody apart? How “okay” is it to embarrass them with some sarcastic comment? How “okay” is it to throw some name-call that is a negative label onto someone else? How “okay” is it to pour some barrage of cuss words mixed with junky adjectives out of my mouth and dump them all over somebody’s heart? 

For years I did that. If I could, I would go back and do it all differently. 

I have implemented RADICAL change in this area to do things differently now. I’ve changed so much that my three kids have never heard me name-call anybody. EVER.

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This may not seem like a complicated question, but it actually takes a lot of self-awareness to answer. Despite the aversion, particularly in leadership positions within the corporate or business world, to talking about needs… we all have them.

I had a client today that said he didn’t like his personality profile because he thinks his profile portrays him being needy and emotional. But there’s a big difference between having needs and being needy. We are all born with core emotional needs that are part of who we are.

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I was really proud of myself for years, for decades even, of being a “standup guy.” A person who wouldn’t talk smack about other people behind their backs. It’s not that I would avoid tough conversations; but what I would say about somebody in a conversation would be the same thing I would say about them anywhere – whether the person who I was talking about was in the room or not. Maybe a different way to say it is I feel like a straight shooter. I wasn’t just prideful about it; I was pretty conceited about this –what you see is what you get with me. I don’t pull any punches, and I won’t sugarcoat things. 

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This was going to be the biggest mission that I ever did as an elite soldier, officer, and pilot. I would be leading hundreds of special operations, top-tier commandos across an enemy border – going deep into enemy territory in the middle of the night. None of the air defense and the enemy side was going to be taken out before we went in.

Without question, it was going to be a messy mission.

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