It's All About Relationships
Picture of Doug’s unit taken during combat missions in Afghanistan.
Last week marked the twenty-year memorial of a battle in Afghanistan that I participated in. The date of the battle was March 4th of 2002. The battle is called Robert’s Ridge in honor of the Navy Seal – Neil Roberts – who was killed on top of the mountain. I'm not going to unpack the entire battle in this short article, but I will point out one fact: The guys that died on the mountain that day did so because they intentionally went back for Neil. They knew he was in big trouble, they knew by going after him it was going to be a dangerous – potentially, fatal – mission, and they still went. They went because the men on that mission knew that their job isn't just about them, rather it's about the other guy – it's about the rest of the team. It's all about people. If we had to land on one word, it's all about relationships.
There are dozens of perspectives that can be drawn from in regards to this particular battle, and many of them have merit and are worthy of discussing; but let me just mention two:
First, the loss of life is real. The loss of life is excruciating. Combat is hard. The sacrifice is beyond palpable.
Second, there are principles that can be carried from this combat engagement that can apply to all aspects of vocation and work – even in the marketplace. Still, I'll just mention one: It's all about relationships. It's about the people and our connection to them, to each other. That's why the guys went back for Neil. That's why we continue to memorialize a battle from two decades ago.
I recently re-read some highlights from one of my favorite books Deep Survival by Laurence Gonzales. I was reminded that people in a deep/desperate survival situation almost always make it out of their bad situation because it's less about them (and their own tail), and more about the person they are helping – or the person(s) they are trying to get back to. All of the real-life stories that Gonzalez shared were where people survived (i.e., around aviation wrecks, capsized boats, and hiking in the mountains) and the survivor had something bigger than themselves that helped give them the drive and focus to do what they needed to do in order to make it to safety. And, every single time, that "something bigger" was a relationship. Again, it's all about relationships.
In business, when I remember this ultimate importance on relationships, great things happen. When I make my leadership more about me, or just a number, or just an outcome, things unravel. Here are a few personal examples:
One of my sales teams had the best year they have ever had before (and we all made quota club); but I acted a bit shady when I was coaching my sales directors to "make the deal". As years went by, the glory of the sales awards faded, and I felt more icky – and, therefore, convicted – of how off-target my leadership was. Even though I/we had "won the sale", the relationships were stained.
A senior military officer whom I deeply respected (and personally liked) chewed me out one time because he thought I highly overreacted by verbally unloading on a bunch of soldiers for making an unintentional mistake. I was in shock that this officer would talk to me in such a fashion, even though I deserved it and it was justified. So moving forward, for months, I was as cold as ice to this guy. Anytime he would warmly say, "Hey Doug, how are you?", I would respond with "I'm fine sir," and quickly move on my way. I let go of a relationship because of a bruised ego. Years later, my ego was repaired, but the relationship was soured. I lost sleep over this.
This one is probably the worst. One time I trash-talked my former boss in order to get in tighter with my new boss. Somehow in my twisted thinking, I thought my new boss would feel more validated in his new position because I was putting down his predecessor. This is about as counterintuitive as you can get. I'm trying to build up a new relationship by trashing an older one. The crazy thing is, the boss I trash-talked was the best boss I ever had – and one of the tightest work relationships I ever had.
These may seem like extreme examples, but I believe this is the kind of stuff that happens when we don't put relationships first. When we put making the sale more important than the relationship, or protecting your image more important than the relationship, or impressing someone in authority more important than the relationship, the kind of stuff I described that I did will creep into your work-life and create regret.
Thankfully, in each one of these aforementioned examples, I eventually realized that I missed the mark. I realized that I made something other than the relationship the most important thing. I felt convicted enough to go back to the offended parties, come clean, and ask for forgiveness. And, thankfully, even though they didn't have to say "yes, I forgive you," they did. They did because they understood that it's all about relationships.
I'm not saying numbers aren't important, or that goals aren't important, or that excellence in business is not important. In fact, I would argue that all of those things are super important. I'm also saying that people are the most important. It's all about relationships.
This is so ingrained in me that I ditched some of my old leadership philosophy a few years ago, and added in some new stuff. And to be clear, I was married to my old leadership philosophy. I had developed it years ago, and I thought it had served me well; but I was missing a critical piece. I was missing the it's all about relationship piece. So I have added this to my leadership philosophy: People First, Mission Always. Is the mission important? Yes. Is the business important, of course. Are goals and outcomes a priority? Absolutely – this is a job and we are working together in a unified front towards a common goal to have success in our work. But people are involved in the mission, and they come first. The business is made up of people, and they come first. Our goals and outcomes are created and achieved by people, and they come first.
In short, it's all about relationships.