I became that leader. The leader that was surrounded by a bunch of “yes” people. I was the leader surrounded by a team of smart people who didn’t have a lot to say.  

I didn’t really understand it. I was always saying to the team, “common…let’s hear some good ideas! This is a brainstorming session!” But we had reached a point where my team didn’t have much to say. They were quiet. They were more than quiet. They were timid. They were disengaged. Even though I would say, “We need some good ideas on this initiative; I’ve given my idea, but what do you think?” At best, I would get a, “Yes, Doug, that’s a good idea. Let’s do that.”

Why? How did this happen? What was the dynamic going on with my team where they wouldn’t engage me with diverse ideas?

Hindsight is soooo great, and so yucky. The great part? Hindsight is a window into clarity and truth – where you get removed via time, place, emotions, deadlines, etc. And you can audit what happened “back there and then,” a few years back, or a few jobs back, or a few teams back. It’s so helpful, if you are willing to honestly audit the event with truth (and some grace). The yucky part? If you audit that event with visceral truth? You may discover that you tripped over yourself WAY harder than you had originally assessed. And, being candid, it’s hard. It hurts to see so many squigglies underneath my own rock of leadership.

In auditing “why” I had a “yes, Doug, whatever you want” team, I uncovered these problems:

1. I had the loudest voice in the room on my team. By “loudest,” I mean a few things. First, I went first – almost always. Let me give you an example, “Hey team, the purpose of this meeting is to brainstorm what are we going to change for our important objectives in the next quarter. I want to hear some great ideas, and I’ll go first.” When you are ALWAYS going first, it doesn’t give a vibe that you are curious about the other opinions in the room.

2. I was loud with my volume. If you are trying to be louder than the other people around you, there’s a decent chance they will stop communicating because it feels like they have to be louder to be heard, and most people don’t want to do that – especially with their boss. I weirdly thought that if I put some extra zest/volume behind my idea, it would be a better idea.

3. When other people were offering up their good ideas and/or different perspectives, I would argue with them. In my mind, I was arguing in order to poke holes in their ideas to see if they were good ideas. If I couldn’t poke a lot of holes in it, then it could be a viable course of action, right? But that’s not how it came across. It came across as me arguing. Again. And again.

This led to my team experiencing an action, a repeated action, a repeated negative action, where I come across as trying to win an argument.

The consequences? I had a team who would shut down in these brainstorming meetings. I wouldn’t get a bunch of diverse ideas. We weren’t a team that had the most ideas. We often had just one idea—mine, and mine alone.

And that was my reality. I had a team that had a bunch of “yes” people. I had a team that didn’t feel valued, that didn’t feel empowered, that didn’t feel they were contributing to the mission and purpose in a deep way.

I dove in and did a lot of deep work. A lot of coaching, counseling, and consulting – for me as a person and leader. On this long journey, I did an audit. I already mentioned three things I uncovered about my audit (about my “loud” voice), but let me share with you one more thing I discovered after doing this deep work:

I have a tendency to want to win the argument. Period. It is a tendency that is never going to go away. Ever. Never ever. It has to do with innate wiring, and how my personality has been formed through my upbringing, how I was nurtured, and my life experiences.

But, now that I’m aware of that tendency, I can try to regulate it. I can try to avoid the negative action where I sound like a lawyer in a trial trying to win the case. Knowing myself better helps me lead myself better.

I came up with the following plan to address my “try to win the argument” tendency:

Step 1: Be aware and admit that I will always have this tendency to want to win the argument. Check.

Step 2: Be on the lookout for my usual pattern where and when this tendency will surface and choke out the crowd. That pattern, I’ve come to find out in my in-depth audit, is when I have a strong opinion. When I really feel adamant about something, I am becoming one of John Grisham’s characters in the courtroom, and I am going to win the verdict. The bad news is I have these strong opinions a lot; therefore, I have this pattern a lot. The good news is that I don’t have them all the time. The best news? I can identify it. I can pinpoint and call out the pattern. I can think and feel, "Oh, I have a really strong opinion on this matter.” And that’s when I catch my breath and ask myself, “what MATTERS most? Winning this argument or winning the relationship?” It’s usually the latter – which propels me to the next step, my action steps, which are my most practical and tactical.

Step 3: I sit on my hands. Literally. Why? Because I talk with my hands, a lot. And if I’m sitting on my hands, that puts a regulator on me, and it opens up a lot of space for other people to share their opinions. I also ask other people, “what do you think?” I let them go first with their ideas. Usually, everyone else goes first before I give my opinion.

Do you know what I’ve found when I apply those practical and tactical action steps in “Step 3”? I often end up not even sharing my strong opinion. Yes, it’s true. I don’t even share what I was so adamant about sharing a few minutes earlier. Why? Because there are some super smart people in that room who have amazing opinions and perspectives, and now that I’ve heard what they think, I have opened my mind (and heart) to seeing things differently. My “big idea” has shrunk in size and potency. I ditched the action of “being like a lawyer defending a case in the courtroom” and embraced a posture that was curious, patient, and in more of a listening mode.

And the result?  My consequences changed. Before, I had a team that was quiet as a church mouse. After I started regulating this tendency of mine to win arguments, I had a team that was EAGER to share their ideas. The team felt valued, empowered, and even responsible for helping bring the best ideas to the table so that we could deploy the best course of action and have the best outcome. Wow. This was a whole new set of consequences, GOOD consequences, that I was hungry for. I just didn’t know how to get there before.

I like to explain this process to my clients with a great visual tool created by GiANT Worldwide, “Know Yourself to Lead Yourself.” The only way to grow as leaders is to understand our currently reality, determine what needs to change, and then commit to action.