Be Gentle and Smile
I wake up each morning filled with excitement and ready to seize the day, whether it's a weekday or the weekend.
And for clarity, I am not a rainbow-puking unicorn. A former colleague, Clay Scroggins, coined this phrase in his book, "How To Lead When You Are Not In Charge." In the book, Clay discusses how there are people who are overly positive, too cheery, and not grounded in reality. They are, simply said, rainbow-puking unicorns.
That's not me. I'm not beaming with a huge smile, saying everything is awesome. Yet, I truly believe the best is yet to come—and I am purposed and geared up to attack life with full fervor. In short, I want to make the best of it—whatever "it" is.
There are some challenges in my life—some minor and a few major ones. However, when I reflect on my life as a whole, I realize how fortunate I am. I feel truly blessed, even more than I could have imagined. Despite my generally positive attitude towards life, one thing stands out: I often have a very intense and serious look on my face.
People with similar wiring like mine (Enneagram 8's, 5 Voices Pioneers, and Red temperaments) often share a common trait—a serious expression. If a group of us were gathered together, you would notice a similar intense look. It's not very gentle, and there's not a whole lot of smiling.
Before we proceed, I don't want to imply that I should be somebody I'm not. Also, I don't want to instruct someone to act fake and disingenuous and to plaster a fake smile on their face if they have more of an intense, non-smiling face like I often do. However, I encourage you to ponder this question: What is it like to be on the other side of you?
When I have asked my family, "Out of the nine fruits of the Spirit that the Apostle Paul lists in the book of Galatians from the New Testament—love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control— which one should I exhibit more?" They all say, "GENTLE," without reservation. If that's what they want and need from me, why wouldn't I try to meet their expectations? Admittedly, I feel inclined to say, "This is who I am. Accept it. Embrace me, my intensity, my directness, and my lack of smiling. This is me being authentic." And yet, when I phrase it that way, and when you read it that way, doesn't it make you think, "Certainly, Doug, you should approach things with more gentleness and smile more frequently"?
Reflecting on this, I realized the importance of being more gentle and expressing positivity through smiling in my nonverbal communication.
So, how do I approach this? I don’t like a lot of things on my desk. I’m pretty neat in most regards in my life. Amidst the organized and sterile work setting, a special drawing stands out—a beautiful artwork from my children with the words "Gentle and Smile." It is right there in front of me and serves as a reminder for me to embody these qualities. I want my clients, prospects, strategic partners, and coworkers to feel that I care about them and that I'm for them. Part of the communication I convey to them is that I have a gentle and smiling posture.
It probably sounds like this is easy to course-correct, but it's harder than you think. Especially if you have a personality and decades of never thinking, "Hmmm, I need to demonstrate more gentleness and smiling." That's why I have my kids drawing right in front of me all day for every meeting. I've been working on this for years, and it has significantly improved. However, being honest with myself, I acknowledge there's still a long road ahead. If you ask my family today, out of the nine fruits of the Spirit, which one I have most improved on, they would say "gentleness," yet they would also point out that it's an area I still need to work on. Having a gentle and smiling demeanor is a non-verbal communication trait that I need to be mindful of consistently. Always and forever.
How about you…
What is it like to be on the other side of you?
How can you adjust your non-verbal communication to create a positive influence without being inauthentic?
Where do you find yourself becoming defensive when someone suggests, "You should increase this or decrease that?"