No Name-Calling
Years ago, when I was part of a high-performing military unit, we would do some serious trash-talking. We threw around “name-calls”, negative labels, and sarcastic jabs like they were drinking water. Yes, like drinking water, where you are having a sip a few times an hour. We were throwing negative labels onto each other a few times every hour.
We were actually kind of impressed with ourselves in doing so. As if there was a deep sense of pride around how quickly and effectively you could eviscerate someone with the words that you used. Somehow, in our twisted thinking, we felt sharp because we could go after somebody and shred them at the knees, metaphorically, with sarcastic words and name-calling. It was kind of the culture in this unit.
And I have to say, I was at the top of the heat. I may have had the title for being the guy that could really just tear someone apart.
We would say that this was all fun and games. There was a running joke that went like this: “Don’t show an ounce of vulnerability or weakness around this group…because it’s like a pool of Great White sharks that can smell an ounce of blood a mile away.”
Let me state the obvious – this was NOT “all fun and games”. When we got heated, we threw these horrible verbal jabs and name-calls. It was crushing, and it was in front of everybody. We would say things like, “You’ve got to be the dumbest person that has ever been on this team.”
And even though we all acted like we could take it, like we had thick skin, the reality is that words matter a lot, and they hurt.
The old adage 'sticks and stones may break your bones, but words will never hurt me'... that’s just a bunch of rubbish.
But in that unit, we acted like it was okay to talk trash about each other. We were used to this culture; it started in basic training or school, continued in the units we were part of, and was magnified threefold when we got to this elite unit. We thought we were just having fun with each other, correcting each other, and testing each other. So we never questioned whether it was okay to treat each other in this way.
How “okay” is it to rip somebody apart? How “okay” is it to embarrass them with some sarcastic comment? How “okay” is it to throw some name-call that is a negative label onto someone else? How “okay” is it to pour some barrage of cuss words mixed with junky adjectives out of my mouth and dump them all over somebody’s heart?
For years I did that. If I could, I would go back and do it all differently.
I have implemented RADICAL change in this area to do things differently now. I’ve changed so much that my three kids have never heard me name-call anybody. EVER.
I’m not bragging or being arrogant about this. Rather, I’m so convicted about the damage that I, and others, did for years by name-calling.
So to avoid repeating this regretful history, I have excised name-calling from my repertoire. I’m not saying I don’t blow my temper. I do. I’m not saying I don’t do other things that I wish I didn’t. I do. I’m not perfect, not even close. But I've been able to get victory over name-calling. I absolutely don’t need to call anybody anything negative, ever again.
My family and I have a list on our refrigerator of things that we will not do in this family. Not name-calling is at the top of the list. We have 16 things on the list; not name-calling is of primary importance.
This vital behavior of not name-calling re-shapes a culture into one where people have psychological safety. The Aristotle Study, a study by Google, said that psychological safety is the most important thing to have in becoming a high-performance team.
Psychological safety is all about trust, and you need to be able to answer “yes” to these questions to have trust on your team:
Do people have trust that they’re going to be able to be respected and valued on the team?
Do people have the ability to speak their minds with diverse opinions and not feel that there will be some verbal jab coming their way?
Do people have the latitude to have some idiosyncrasies and be different, and know they aren’t going to be ridiculed with punchy sarcasm?
In short, if you’re calling each other names, then team safety and trust are going to take a hit. That’s just the bottom line.
Do you see name-calling going in your family, office, or leadership team? Do people damage the team culture by throwing name-calls back and forth? If so, do something radical and make “no name-calling” a non-negotiable.