What do you need?
This may not seem like a complicated question, but it actually takes a lot of self-awareness to answer. Despite the aversion, particularly in leadership positions within the corporate or business world, when it comes to talking about needs…we all have them.
I had a client today that said he didn’t like his personality profile because he thinks his profile portrays him being needy and emotional. But there’s a big difference between having needs and being needy. We are all born with core emotional needs. That’s a part of who we are.
I zealously believe that it’s important to understand these deep emotional needs that we require and desire in order to be healthy and happy.
Not only have I done this with myself, but I also do this with clients I coach. We dive deep into personality, temperament, and wiring assessments – and with these tools, we work on understanding the emotional needs deep within the person.
I believe in this so much that I did not just do this with myself and my clients but with my family as well. My kids have not reached teenager status yet, but they are already well-versed in their emotional needs based on their wiring.
One of the tools we use as a family is the Four Temperaments, represented by four colors: red, blue, yellow, and green. Some of the temperaments may seem more ‘emotional’ than others, but they all have emotional needs.
Red (Choleric): Assertive, dominant, and goal-oriented. Natural leaders who thrive in competitive environments.
Blue (Melancholic): Thoughtful, detail-oriented, and organized. Methodical thinkers who excel in precise tasks.
Yellow (Sanguine): Sociable, enthusiastic, and optimistic. Great communicators and creative problem solvers.
Green (Phlegmatic): Calm, diplomatic, and patient. Skilled at finding common ground and avoiding conflict.
To illustrate the difference in needs, let me give you an example. I asked my two daughters a series of questions… What gives you peace? What gives you joy? What makes you feel energized? What gives you tension? Etc. And they are wired very differently from each other.
Let’s unpack the core emotional needs of my Choleric-Red daughter:
She needs to be appreciated for the tasks and goals she completes. It’s not just being appreciated for having big goals; it’s being appreciated for accomplishing them.
Furthermore, while she is driving toward her goals, she needs to have a sense of control. A STRONG sense of control. A feeling or need that nobody is going to boss her around or try to steer her in another direction.
Lastly, she needs loyalty. For her, this means an unconditional commitment to supporting her dreams and her goals. Said another way, if she runs into a mountain, she needs you to get behind her and cheer her on as she climbs.
There were other things that she mentioned as well, but when it came down to really honing in on the core things, these three are what were most important for her. It’s so awesome and so healthy for us to talk about what we need. Putting our core emotional needs and deep desires in our own words helps us understand ourselves better.
Shifting gears, here are the core emotional needs of my Melancholic-Blue daughter:
She needs people to be sensitive to her feelings, and she needs people to want to embrace her sensitivity toward them. She can FEEL everything that you are feeling, and this can make you feel loved when you are on the other side of her. Conversely, she wants you to do your best to feel what she feels. This will make her feel loved.
She wants deep support in most things. Said another way – and the opposite of the daughter I just described a few paragraphs ago, she wants help. You won’t be invading her autonomy, ego, or space if you jump in and offer assistance with a task or a project. In fact, she deeply wants your help.
She wants patience to process heavy things. Don’t rush her to be able to explain the barrage of thoughts and feelings she has over extreme things – good or bad. Being patient with her and allowing her to process will fill up her love tank.
Just like the previous daughter I mentioned, it warms my heart that she can pinpoint and articulate her emotional needs. It’s so good to know that SHE KNOWS what gives her life – what gives her energy.
A few other people in my family are wired in different ways, though their interviews aren’t in this short article. There’s a member of my family who is all about fun. This person is Sanguine-Yellow. The core emotional needs of this family member are all about affection, attention, and approval. And there is somebody else in the family who is wired as Phlegmatic-Green. This person is all about peace. The core needs for this person are feelings of worth, lack of stress, and being respected.
Understanding what each person in the family needs has helped us so much, that we actually talk about our different temperaments and emotional needs every Tuesday. Yes, every week. That sounds overkill, but it’s critical to be reminded on a regular basis who we are and what we’re all about.
I encourage you to get curious about yourself and what you need so that you can experience greater clarity, direction, and contentment. Here’s a website with some free videos you can watch about the different color temperaments. I strongly recommend checking it out.